Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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