Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
