I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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