First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize