Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
