Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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