Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I supernannyed him into submission
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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