I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
