i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
bring money and cleavage
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
