hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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