I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
