Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my sisters under your porch take her home
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
