Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just tell him i said nine months
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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