why didn't you poke me back
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
