I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
