i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
