She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
