I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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