Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Randomize
