Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Randomize
