I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
