it hurts more in the daytime
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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