I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
