I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
