This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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