My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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