Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
