I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
