sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
