i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
