dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
