I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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