were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
