Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
