Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
