Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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