I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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