tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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