We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
