Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dignity is for republicans.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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