John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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