i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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