We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
