bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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