Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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