Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
