Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize