I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
