Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
