I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
