I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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