i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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