I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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