i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My vagina is very pro this idea
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