i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
