Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
