Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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