Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
